piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I love having hate sex.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
