ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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