how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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