I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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