There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just invented taco cereal.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
