My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
