I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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