I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
