if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
