nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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