I'm lost and stupid without you.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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