where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i think my cat just said my name.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I believe in your delicious
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
