Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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