if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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