Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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