a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
