There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
