my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
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