Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
