I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
