you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So here I am, sexting at work.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
