In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I understand Curling. That high.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
