I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
