Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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