there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
