i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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