I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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