I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
