Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just had sex on a roof
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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