I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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