I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
are you so shy because you have an std?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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