I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
