Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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