she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You pole danced in your parka.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
