It's a beautiful day for a hangover
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Every concussion has its silver lining
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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