i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
