My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize