Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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