I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize