i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
