The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize