So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
