i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
