the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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