How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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