Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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