Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
