me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
