OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
