Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
