I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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