I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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