I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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