Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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