I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
