he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
