You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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