I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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