So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
