There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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