party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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