Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
