Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize