Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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