I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
