we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
