I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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