Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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